Well-credentialed, and oft-liked Royals creative, Lee Spencer-Michaelsen, hit up the Melbourne International Film Festival recently. We asked him to consider writing a review. And he did that. But he did more. Much, much more. Behold, Lee's Beowulf-like appraisal of his festival experience..

Eight feature films Fourteen shorts Six TV episodes Two documentaries A movie marathon Five choc tops One tantrum

A film festival review poem

by Lee Spencer-Michaelsen

put on your sternest librarian face purse your lips tightly inhale exhale through your teeth ... shush release your pent up anger silence the babblers low talkers, and blah blahers

try it repeat after me

shhh! shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Shshshshsh sh sh sh shhhh

feel good?

according to a shushing expert, a secondary school teacher a good shush starts with a loud, heavy shhh a prolonged shush followed by short, sharp shushes fading away

apart from spending hours trawling through the MIFF program to select your films and getting to the cinema, half an hour early to save a middle, centre seat a good shush is all the preparation you need I lie – and a shiraz, a mint choc top, and eyes Join me as we watch the 2017 Melbourne International Film Festival through my black rimmed Quiksilver spectacles.

Goodtime [Ben & John Safdie, 2017]

We’ve been taken hostage by Robert Pattinson, playing Connie a bottom feeding New Yorker crim with the social disposition of a maniac who accidently imprisons his mentally handicapped brother after a foiled bank robbery we, he, must fight to bail him out alive

from the outset we’re injected with Stockholm syndrome we’re rooting for the anti-hero as Connie stumbles through life through the saturated yellows and melancholic blues that draw out New York’s bleakness below the majestic capitalist skyscrapers

the intensity is amplified with the help of the Cannes winning racing synth score by Oneohtrix Point Never

Melbourne audiences laugh awkwardly at Connie yelling at a teenage girl to “shut up and give him the car keys” after trying to have sex with her Melbourne audience seem to laugh inappropriately sometimes you have to

Pattinson was meant to wank off a German Shepherd for this film luckily he didn’t, would’ve been awkwarder

Credit rolls Iggy Pop sings The Pure and the Damned we’re released from the film’s vice grip our souls melt away

Top of the Lake: China Girl [Jane Campion & Ariel Kleiman, 2017]

“It’s a novel not a TV show” “I hope you enjoy watching six one hour episodes in a row” Jane Campion tells the crowd

Top of the Lake’s compelling murder mystery storyline and resulting cultural discussions that spill out of its plot prove binge watching isn’t just a brainless activity reserved for your couch, pyjamas, and a hangover that TV shows have transcended mediocrity to become cinematic spectacles

we’re engulfed in a tale of sexual abuse, violence sexism within a macho police force the fragility of broken families prostitution, and most poignantly the exploitation of Thai female surrogates the progressive writing of Jane Campion and Gerard Lee deliver the depth of story needed to captivate an audience for six hours make them laugh, horny, cry, and think

Save Elisabeth Moss’s questionable Aussie accent (who must be the most prolific, in demand actress of the current milieu) her role as Detective Robin Griffin proves she’s capable of being put through a dramatic mincer supported by Nicole Kidman’s defiant neurotic postmenstrual mother and Game of Throne’s Brienne of Tarth, Gwendoline Christie’s comic relief

David Wenham’s brief but terrifying appearance sees him channeling the smiling psychopath of his character Brett from The Boys, 1998. Worth watching episode three just for this moment

As usual, it’s always good to see Jane Campion squeezing in a woman urinating on screen and prostituting her own daughter on screen, who plays Robin’s daughter

The Go-Betweens: Right Here [Kriv Stenders, 2017]

we’ve reached the music on film proportion of MIFF where the unseen bickering between band members the ego trips, the angst behind the stage lights are brought to fester under the microscope in this case, the famously unpopular Go Betweens

as the crow flies, we follow the band forming in Brisbane in 1977 the two frontmen, Robert Forster and Grant McLennan collecting band members and girlfriends, Lindy Morrison and Amanda Brown travelling to Melbourne and London in search of the shadow of fame reaching a shot at stardom with the release of 16 Lovers Lane turning it down when everything seems too good ending with Grant’s unfortunate death

director Kriv Stenders long time acquaintance of the band through the Toowong Music Centre uses the metaphor of a country house to act as the spiritual home of the band the swinging saloon door of the lineup interviewing members as they ebb and flow, chronologically, in and out of the band splicing the story with cutaway historical reenactments as if parts of a Brisbane Dazed and Confused

“The Go-Betweens proved there could be something interesting coming out of Brisbane,” one music critic quips Paul Kelly shares the heartfelt moment when he first heard Cattle and Cane we share the awkwardness of a caricature of the band playing the same song on Countdown we lay witness to Robert Forster reaching the height of his ego with Spring Rain revealing his bare chest unassumingly during TV interviews we see the pieces of the puzzle align for Streets of Your Town

knowing near nothing of the Go Betweens this film gives you a detailed grasp of their struggles and successes but does it push the pulp further than Forster’s book, Grant and I?

if a band could be a poem of search for fame through art it would be the Go Betweens

Song to Song [Terrence Mallick, 2017]

or alternatively entitled man points camera at beautiful people in obnoxious houses and stitches it together with worthless prose

oh no we’ve been sucked in we’ve fallen into a trap a MIFF faux pas

we’re seated at the cramped Comedy Theatre shoulder to shoulder with a crowd of Melbourne Uni film students about to watch a film by an established director, Terrance Mallick it has high calibre actors, it’s set in Austin, Texas it’s about two songwriters in love who live from Song to Song what could go wrong?

Die Antwoord’s Never Le Nkemise 2 plays over the opening credits

it’s a trainwreck it’s a porno but all the hardcore porn has been cut out of it it’s the first ten minutes where two actors feverishly pretend to like each other before they fuck

fuck I wish we could walk out people do we’ve paid for a ticket fuck try to fall asleep it’s our only hope of coming out alive

The soundtrack’s not half bad but every time a song takes hold the editor cuts it snatches it away from us

if you enjoy your eyeballs don’t watch this film

Girl Unbound [Erin Heidenreich, 2016]

imagine you’re a 14 year old girl in Pakistan’s Taliban tribal areas you dress in butch clothing cut your hair short change your name to Genghis Khan to become a boy so you can play outside to pursue your dream as a squash player but you’re found out you’re locked in a room because you’re a girl the Taliban won’t allow it you hit a ball against the wall over and over and over and over

you flee to Canada where you’re free to become the number one female squash player in the world you return home to see your family and give other young girl’s hope

shot in an observational documentary style we follow the journey of Maria Toorpakai as she fights back at gender constraints explores her own sexuallality to remind us that the world is still a long way off from equality

Sci-Fi Marathon

welcome to the endurance event of MIFF with seven obscure sci-fi films screening from at 9:30pm to 8am 630 minutes of otherworldly cinema watching we, well, I, only last three films, until 4am shame! shame! shame!

Time Crimes [Nacho Vigalondo, 2007]

ever wondered what it would be like if you travelled back in time multiple times only a few minutes apart and had to deal with multiple versions of yourself to get your life back on track? the Spanish Time Crimes explores this question in a sexy, funny, thrilling low budget film that sees the lead character become his own worst enemy

it also raises the question if a stranger asked you to get into a weird contraption to hide from a pink bandaged man would you?

Nothing Lasts Forever [Tom Schiller, 1984]

the mention of Bill Murray in an unreleased film that had to be sent from an archive in Scotland screened for the first time in Australia has the attention of the cinephile crowd I, wondering why it was unreleased

after watching Clint Eastwood warn us not to smoke crack in a preview Gremlins star Zach Galligan as Adam Beckett begins his journey as a young aristocrat to a self made artist while New York City is on strike in a black and white 1950’s sci-fi spoof with Mel Brooks-eque satirical humour highlighting the importance of artists in our society featuring Bill Murray as a moon flight attendant and Dan Ackroyd as a tunnel inspector

meanwhile at the Astor a man belches, and cackles three rows down, ferociously induced by on screen gags involving naked ladies and masturbation and a German buff boy walking on a treadmill, counting to a thousand

The Visitor [Giulio Paradisi and Michael J. Paradise, 1979]

we’re forewarned many won’t make it through this 108 minute ‘Mt Everest of insane 70s Italian movies’ maybe the Battleship Potemkin of schlock-busters The alternatively titled ‘Stridulum’ wonder why that name didn’t take off

an ageing intergalactic warrior with a team of skinheads descend on Earth to destroy an evil little girl long, and at times, meandering the film garnered unintended laughs through average special effects although a bad film in its own right it’s worthy of its cult status

Accelerator 1 (Australian & New Zealand Shorts)

what’s good about a short film showcase? if you don’t like a film, it’s over in 10 minutes if you do like a film, a director they’ll normally make another, or a feature in a year to come unfortunately most of these missed the mark

Locker Room [Greta Nash, 2017] what happens in the footy locker room like a can of Lynx body spray seeps out through the blazers of young boys and onto social media

as one of the boys would you slut shame or shame the team?

A Birthday Party [W.A.M. Bleakley, 2017]

In the rough borough of Traralgon the alpha male of a group takes his role too seriously and beats the birthday boy to death

do you let group mentality take hold or do something about it?

Losing It [Nikki Richardson, 2017]

two school girls long time friends discuss losing their virginity on a swing set

sometimes things we put in an ivory tower things we think will change us forever don’t change us at all

The World In Your Window [Zoe McIntosh, 2016]

a young boy looking after his severely depressed dad in a caravan park gets help from a transsexual to help his dad get over losing his wife

don’t let grief drown you or you’ll lose what you have left

Mrs McCutcheon [John Sheedy, 2017]

a young school boy coming out as a girl transforming into Mrs McCutcheon befriends a boy who accepts her for who she is they must fight off societal pressures to ‘act normal’

borrowing from a popular on trend Aussie camp style alike Girl Asleep, 2016

After the Smoke [Nick Waterman, 2017]

a filmic poem of the death of a rodeo star in a town where rodeo is one of the only escapes from the drudgery of living in the middle of nowhere

smoke plumes from the stacks as a funeral salute darkness befalls the cinema pick yourself back up get back in the ring

Possum [Dave Whitehead, 2017]

two young brothers go camping to catch the dreaded, the horrifying, the bowel releasing Possum a feelgood family short with hint of Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Dark City [Alex Proyas, 1998]

we’re plunged into the depths of a genre mash up a sci-fi-noir where elements of the past and elements of the future combine to create something much intriguing than Cowboys and Aliens

the shoebox diorama aesthetic of the set exposes the orchestrated world we’re consumed by something isn’t right

it’s always night no one ever questions it until John Murdoch awakens to be accused of murders he didn’t commit problem is he can’t remember a thing

the detective story of this noir propels the plot forward while the sci-fi super powers of a strange unknown cult lurking beneath the surface of the city have us gagging for answers on the what the key is to the human mind

Australian director Alex Proyas’s film proceeding The Crow, 1994 with appearances from Bruce Spence, Colin Friels straddle a hammy performance by Keifer Sutherland and the sensuous manifestation of Jennifer Connelly who I’ve had a crush on since The Labyrinth and been tainted since Requiem for a Dream Dark City is one for a cold Winter’s night in

The Square [Ruben Östlund, 2017]

from a beach in Spain on an iphone director Ruben Östlund explains to the Melbourne audience the concept of The Square

The Square is a public space The Square is a caring and equal place four lines connected on the pavement to form a boundary of comfort a binding contract between two groups of people like that of a pedestrian crossing where a driver must stop to let a pedestrian pass if someone is standing in The Square those outside are morally obliged to help the person within

this idea now an art installation in three countries provides the backbone to the film’s story

how long will it take you to feel for humanity? four seconds? eight seconds? too late You’ve let a blonde ragged child explode we’ve gone viral

the film toys with the irony of how the concepts that pieces within art galleries aim to explore are restricted by its walls, for a high brow audience’s eyes only themes of social inclusion our perception of those around us the way we belittle others because they’re different or poor these expensive exhibits do nothing for the beggars on the street

scenes can create cinematic joy The scene with a man acting as a gorilla in a performance art piece to a lavish dinner of esteemed guests delivers the wild to the civilised developing into chaos making us forget we’re watching a film is a true art form of the screen

why do we need to step inside The Square to represent a space where we help people? shouldn't we help the people around us? step outside of The Square ask someone if they need help

Accelerator 2 (Australian and New Zealand shorts)

Mother, Child [Tin Pang, 2017]

dealing with a loved one after a stroke can strain relationships cause fractures but the bond between a mother and child elastically springs back into shape after tensions boil over

Have you tried, maybe, not worrying? [Rachel Ross, 2017]

confusion sets in fear sinks its teeth in it grabs you around your throat “listen to ocean sounds, it helps me” anxiety when someone’s troubles seem miniscule to you can be the world to them have you tried, maybe, not worrying?

Sengatan [Frank Magree, 2016]

you tricked me you told a story about a guy getting in trouble for smuggling heroin placing the protagonist behind bars to look as if he was in prison only to reveal he is just waxing up his surfboard near a barred fence they cut off fingers for that in Indonesia

Passengers [Simon Portus, 2017]

how do you deal with your own son when he loves your wife’s new husband more than you? do you kidnap him or try to become his friend? should’ve kidnapped the kid we want to see characters make the wrong choices maybe that’s just me

Somersault Pike [Kate Lefoe, 2017]

climbing up the ladder to a 10ft high platform stepping to the edge facing backwards imagine yourself upside down twisting around somersaulting through the air jump capture it with a Phantom high speed camera for a VCA short film thumbs up

Mwah [Nina Buxton, 2017]

a highschool girl rides her bike into the night stalked by a creep in a car blowing kisses at her ignore him pedal faster ignore him pedal faster he’s gaining on you can you feel your heartbeat?

a tidy performance from Girl Asleep’s Bethany Whitmore

Miro [Victoria Wharfe McIntyre, 2017]

Pawno’s Mark Coles Smith as an indigenous father conscripted to fight in a white man’s war only to have his child stolen his wife displaced not considered human enough to drink in a pub there’s only so much one man can take before he breaks and takes matters into his own hands

24 frames [Abbas Kiarostami, 2017]

the posthumous feature of experimental Iranian director Abbas Kiarostami who has repeatedly said “he doesn’t mind if people sleep during his films as long as they dream about them afterwards”

24 Frames is 24 short films of Abbas playing with the idea of what happens before and after a still photograph

the frames allow the viewer to drift in and out of consciousness my eyes close blackness I awaken not sure of how many frames I’ve missed a deer is shot ravens loom a cat catches a bird there’s an overwhelming sense of death in the air of this film the swan song of an artist

this is something you’re more likely to see screening in an art gallery rather than a packed cinema

draining, beautiful, expansive

the opposite to the latest whizz bang Blockbuster hitting the box office

Abbas Kiarostami would like that.